The Fear of Prabhupada’s Presence

A possible weakness: I claim to be yearning for union with Srila Prabhupada, yet I am afraid of an actual encounter with him — because he makes me surrender.  If I’m afraid of an encounter that means that I prefer to remember him, rather than to be with him.  In the memory form, Prabhupada cannot answer me back.  He is the object of my worship, but he remains silent.  This type of meditation could come dangerously close to worshiping an “illusory Prabhupada”.  But I shouldn’t damn myself and say that I am trying to avoid him.  Despite my laziness, when Prabhupada speaks, I will obey.  Neither is he entirely silent since his disappearance.  He speaks through his many disciples, and I’m listening to them.  He also speaks in my heart and I respond.  He speaks directly in his writings. Thinking of Prabhupada does not mean one-way talks, with only me speaking whatever I like before an idol of my own creation.  At their best, conversations with Prabhupada are two-way conversations by worshipful followers.  As one can “talk” with Krishna, so it is possible to do this with guru also.

Srila Prabhupada was once asked about communication with him “when you’re not with us”.  At first he said we can read his books, but the devotee asked, “What about in addition to your books, just as Supersoul speaks to us?”  Prabhupada replied that it depended on the purity of the disciple.

Regarding his relationship with his own spiritual master, Srila Prabhupada wrote, “I think that His Divine Grace Bhaktisiddhanta Sarasvati is always seeing my activities and guiding me within my heart by his words.  As it is said in Srimad-Bhagavatam, tene brahma hrda ya adi-kavaye: ‘Spiritual inspiration comes from within the heart, wherein the Supreme Personality of Godhead, in His Paramatma feature, is always sitting with all His devotees and associates.’” (Concluding words of Caitanya-caritamrta)

I admit my failures, but I know that Srila Prabhupada is with me.  I should consider that in my younger days with Prabhupada, I was only a boy.  Prabhupada gave me orders for everything in my life: “You should chant, you should go there, you should do this, you should do that.”  He taught as a father and mother teaches the child, sometimes pulling them by the hand.  But when the father sees they have grown, he wants them to use their intelligence and do the service on their own.

You are given a chance to do better service.  So you should think that, “I am a more surrendered soul than I was.  I have to do highly qualified seva, which at that time I could not understand.  I was not then at a standard to know what was wrong and what was right.  Whatever he ordered or told I obeyed.  But now I have to act according to his wish.  So I am most surrendered.”

How can one understand that he’s pleasing the guru after the guru’s disappearance?  Yenatma suprasidati.  When Lord Hari is satisfied, then the individual soul is satisfied.  If you want to do anything, or begin anything, you should think, “I’m doing it only for the pleasure of guru and Gauranga.  Don’t be doubtful.”  Although I have to consider the possibility that I’m still a rascal, I know that Srila Prabhupada loves me and finds a place for me in his service.  We have to be confident of our ongoing exchange with him, but not too confident so that we think we know everything about Krishna and Prabhupada.  Be confident of your own surrender — but always a fool before the guru. 

“Every disciple must consider himself completely unaware of the science of Krishna and must always be ready to carry out the orders of the spiritual master to become competent in Krishna consciousness.  A disciple should always remain a fool before his spiritual master.” (Cc. Adi, 7.72, purport)

Thinking of Prabhupada needn’t be esoteric and elusive.  It’s remembering your spiritual father.  You’re sorry that you’re not serving him better.  But you know you shouldn’t just dwell on that in a negative way.  Prabhupada writes, “If one has faith, even if for the time being he can’t fully carry out the injunctions of the Lord — as long as he doesn’t admit defeat and hopelessness — then gradually he will be elevated to the right position.”  So you remember your spiritual father and you live by his instructions.