Flooded By Memories of Swamiji

I experienced a unique, intense moment of separation after I had met Srila Prabhupada for only a few weeks.  With his permission, I paid a visit to my parents at their summer bungalow in Avalon, New Jersey.  I arrived at their home in the evening and went immediately for a swim in the canal in their back yard.  As I floated in the water and looked up at the stars, I was overwhelmed at the presence of Prabhupada, hearing his voice and the things he said, which he had been teaching us.  After having associated with him day after day, I felt it coming through me, all the Prabhupada expressions.  There I was in the water, looking up at the sky which was so very far away, and without calling for it, I was surcharged with remembering Prabhupada.  I understood, “Swamiji has gone … Swamiji has really gone deeply into my life, and it’s very strong!”

I have told this story before and I have written about it.  There is no harm in the repetition, provided each time you remember it, you do it by going to a genuine source of feeling and thought.  So I want to be open to those canned memories and see them as they actually occurred.  To do it one has to enter an altered state of consciousness. When Maitreya asked Uddhava to speak about Krishna, or when Pariksit asked Sukadeva certain questions about Krishna, the response was not canned.  Rather, Uddhava and Sukadeva felt such ecstasy by thinking about Krishna that they could not even speak:

On the inquiry by Vidura about Krishna, Uddhava appeared to be awakened from slumber.  He appeared to regret that he had forgotten the lotus feet of the Lord.  Thus he again remembered the lotus feet of the Lord and remembered all his transcendental loving service unto him, and by so doing, he felt the same ecstasy that he used to feel in the presence of the Lord.  Because the Lord is absolute, there is no difference between His remembrance and His personal presence.  Thus Uddhava remained completely silent for a moment, but then appeared to be going deeper and deeper into ecstasy.  (Bhag. 3.2.4)

An active student of Srila Prabhupada might see my attempts as idle, but what can I say?  It is not idle.  I am fighting for the survival of dear memories, and refusing to allow my everyday consciousness to deteriorate into a watered-down following of Srila Prabhupada.  Of course, Prabhupada can be very heavy as the breaker of illusion.  So when I say I want to remember him, I want to open myself up to that too.