Doubts

One night after the Swami had shaved his head so that it was gleaming, he sat in his room and talked happily about the four-armed Visnu.  But when I saw him, I fell back into thinking, “How can I believe this?”  And the first time I heard him say that Krishna married 16,000 wives, that also set me backwards, and I thought, “I can’t go further.  I can’t accept this.  It is too fantastic.”  Sometimes you expressed these doubts to Prabhupada and sometimes you did not.  If you did ask him, he was always ready with strong argument and sastra.  He was not in the slightest bit doubtful.  And neither, by his own understanding, was he being dogmatic.  He used to say, “You may believe or not believe, that is a different matter.”  Theoretically, you might imagine that someone in the world might have a better argument against the Swami, but you did not have any better argument.  Besides, part of you very much wanted to believe him, but you just couldn’t get past some of your doubts.

When I heard about the 16,000 wives, I blurted out, “I can’t accept this.”

Prabhupada replied, “You cannot?  The greatest scholars cannot.”  My doubt aroused his concern.  There I was, another ignorant person who could not accept Krishna.  Why did I not accept Him?  “Why don’t I believe it?”  This was another strength of Prabhupada’s – he could answer questions with cool logic, but he was also deeply involved in what he said.  He was more involved in his conviction than you were in your doubt.

“Why can’t Krishna marry 16,000 wives?  He’s the creator of everything, and He’s in everyone’s heart.  If He comes out of the heart of a small number of persons and becomes their husbands, then He can do it.  He can do anything.”

While Swamiji was lecturing about life on the higher planets, he added, “I am not just saying this, but I am convinced.”  That blew my mind.  Other times he said, “Rest assured”, or “Take it from me”.  He was willing to teach us on that basis also.  He was saying in effect, “I know what I’m talking about.  I realize this.  It is a fact, so please accept it and take it from me.  If you chant Hare Krishna you will understand that Krishna is the Supreme Personality of Godhead.  All these things will become revealed to you.  Take it from me, there are higher planets.  Just because you cannot understand it, and you cannot touch it with your senses, that does not mean that it does not exist.”

Gradually I accepted whatever Prabhupada said.  Whatever answers and convictions I now hold, they come from that place of a doubtful person who inquired and got answers from Swamiji.