“How Shall I Serve You?”

I would never just throw a question like, “What do you want me to do?” at Srila Prabhupada.  Even in 1966 I wanted Swamiji to know that I already had an idea what I should do.  I wanted him to know I was acting on my idea.  But at the same time, from the very beginning, I wanted my spiritual master to know I was open to being disciplined by him, open to his changing my understanding of what I should be doing.  If he ordered something that seemed as bitter as poison to me, I could ask him to explain why I must do it, but when he explained, I would follow.  For example, when I wanted to quit my New York City welfare office job that year, I thought it was the right thing for my spiritual advancement.  He explained why it was better to keep the job.  Mainly, he explained that he wanted me to keep the job and to donate money to the society.  Later, when I was his personal servant, I explained that I wanted to do some other service.  He said that I was being whimsical.  That was a tough one.

All things considered, we want to please him and serve his purposes.  I’m doing it to some degree, following the sannyasa-dharma, writing books . . . but I know I can do a lot better.  There is much more mercy I could be receiving from him.

So I ask him, in my conditioned way, “How may I serve you?”  When Srila Prabhupada asked his spiritual master that question, he got a direct response: “Become a preacher in English.”  That was a sufficiently broad reply; Prabhupada had to fill it out with his own initiative.  It took years for Srila Prabhupada to prepare and find the opportunity to do it in the grand way he did.  I needn’t be afraid to ask.

That is my main question: “Is what I am doing pleasing to you?  What do you want me to do?  How can I best improve?  What do you want me to do?  Please awaken in me my original spirit to carry out your orders wholeheartedly.  Please give me the strength to serve you.”

Old emotions that first surfaced in ’66 are returning—my desire to serve him, the strong regret for my lack of surrender.  If I am fortunate, I will cry tears of repentance.  The experience is shattering my self-image, transforming me.  There is no room for complacency when you are with Srila Prabhupada.  By seeing Srila Prabhupada’s own complete dedication to Lord Krishna and his spiritual master, I am forced to recognize my own lacking.  The destruction of my self-image is like a building crashing to the ground.

(I can’t guess what he would communicate and how I would respond, but I know it would be intense.  The message would be, “You are not as Krishna conscious as you think you are.”  The purpose would be to teach me humility and to bring me back to reality.)