A Letter to Swamiji

The best way to be with Prabhupada on 26 Second Avenue is to go back in memory, in feelings, in body and mind – go and be with him.  I can go to his room as I used to, alone, and write him a letter:

Dear Swamiji,

Please accept my humble obeisances.  All glories to your lotus feet.  It seems a long time since I’ve seen you.  It’s nice to be here in your room, and to work in your storefront with the devotees.  I am doing my service, but sometimes it’s hard to think of you.  This probably is because Maya doesn’t want me to surrender.  I would like to express some things to you that are on my mind, to help me get free of maya.  Probably, if I would read the Bhagavad-gita properly, then I wouldn’t be in maya.

I am pausing in this letter to Swamiji because I really can’t write everything that is on my mind to the spiritual master.  One has to render service to him for it to become clear.  It sure is nice to be here in his room, looking at his desk, his gray trunk where he writes his books, the picture of Krishna on the wall.  Krishna is so nice.  I can think of Krishna during the day, and then I won’t be harassed by the sexual innuendos of the women in the office, or by the boss’s demands.  I won’t even feel sorry for myself if I just look at Krishna; He is so happy.

I want to follow the Swami’s teachings and pray to Krishna to give realization from the heart.  What is it that I want to say to Swamiji in my letter?  I don’t only want to tell him that I have doubts.  If I am going to write something, I should write about service.  Tell him that I like the tapes he is dictating, such as the Narada-bhakti Sutra and Teachings of Lord Caitanya, and that I am willing to work for him and the devotees …

Dear Swamiji,

I think you have already given me so much mercy by my connection to you.  Despite my faults, I will be fixed in Krishna consciousness and able to repeat your teachings with conviction.  I really like to hear your lectures, especially in the morning.  I still remember when you lectured in December on Caitanya-caritamrta about the lila-avataras and other teachings of Lord Caitanya.  When you speak about Krishna, He is a real person.  The avataras are real.  You give such good arguments that they vanquish all doubts.  For example, you said, “What is the problem that Krishna can lift a hill – He is already lifting all the planets, why He cannot lift a hill?”  Another time you asked, “Why He cannot come as a fish; He is not ordinary fish.  Krishna can do all these things, although people think it is only a story.”  When you say these things, Swamiji, it is very real.  I want to stay with you where it is always real.

I am glad I was able to say that.  I wish I could praise Swamiji more in his presence.  Some of the devotees are able to say, “You are so great, Swamiji,” but I am not able to say those things.  Anyway, it is really nice to be here for awhile, in this room where he stays when he is here.  I see his sitting place and I can almost see him in my mind, how he talks with the devotees, or sometimes he laughs with them.  I see Raphael coming in and saying crazy things.  There is a lot of fooling around here sometimes, but anyway, I have to do my bit – go to work, make money, type.  In fact, I had better go home now and do some typing of his tapes.

Let me take a last look at his room.  It is a small room, and yet, when he is here, people pack in tightly together.  They line up along the side of the wall to his right, but most of us are in double rows in front of him.  We will line up like that again when he comes and ask him questions.  He can reveal to us the knowledge that we cannot know on our own.