How Much Should I Beg?

How important is this little project of marking Srila Prabhupada’s 50th anniversary as the Founder-Acarya of ISKCON with meditations on his glorious 1966 New York City days and significance in devotees’ lives?  If it’s not important, why am I doing it?  If it is important, why don’t I call out louder to Krishna, begging Him and Srila Prabhupada to manifest themselves fully?  My initial response to this is, “I’m dedicated to my writing project.  Let me get up early and do my writing, and whatever Krishna wants to send, I’ll accept it as prasadam.  There’s no use in calling out louder.  I don’t want to bother the Lord or Prabhupada, and besides that, they are already blessing me.” 

Prabhupada teaches that our prayers should be reserved for sentiments like, “Please give me the strength to serve You.”  He advises us, “For any activity done in devotional service, one should always pray to the previous acaryas to ‘Kindly help me.’”  And yet I can’t help but feel reluctant to call out and be too demanding about my own project.  But this raises questions.  On the one hand, one should work humbly, not making demands of the Lord; on the other hand, we’re advised that the price of love of God is laulyam, intense desire to serve the Lord.  One should desire to perform some service and cry tears — and those tears are the price of your devotion.  Since I am not crying out so much, maybe I should ask myself, “Why don’t I want it more badly?”  Perhaps I’m afraid I may be asking the Lord to make me a famous writer so that people will say, “You wrote such brilliant meditations about Prabhupada.  You’re empowered!  You must be very close to him.”  If I actually take pleasure in hearing such praise, then my prayers to further glorify Prabhupada will be impure.  Yet one cries out to Krishna in different ways.  It doesn’t have to be literally looking upwards and crying out loud, “Krishna, please help me!”  One can cry out by getting up early, writing as much as possible, trying always to think of Prabhupada, and taking notes about it.  One expresses oneself to the Lord by those endeavors.

Sometimes it seems to me that the only prayer we should make is a prayer like that of Vasudeva Datta or Jesus Christ, asking the Lord to please save all the conditioned souls of the world.  “Let there be no more suffering, but let everyone go back to Godhead.”  Pure devotees who pray like that go beyond the standard and dare to call upon the Lord to be even more merciful.  They offer themselves as sacrifices for this cause.  Certainly my asking for the potency to write about Prabhupada is a request for a relatively minor thing (although not minor to me).  Of course, if Krishna wanted, He could make these books so attractive that it would create a wonderful revival in Prabhupada-remembrance.  At any rate, whether I call out loudly or not, I take this project seriously and I am praying by working at it.  While I cannot sincerely pray for release of all living entities, I have come to do this seva unto the pure devotee, Srila Prabhupada.  I know there are other important projects being done in ISKCON, and many may think those projects even more important.  But I’m doing the best I can.

Srila Prabhupada also advises that we regard our offering as imperfect and small.  We know that there’s nothing we can really do to impress Krishna in terms of a perfect offering.  So we should pray to the Lord, “I’m offensive, I’m imperfect, and my offering is not wonderful.  Please excuse me and please accept me.”  This is the Vaisnava mood, to submit oneself as unworthy: “Dear Srila Prabhupada, I’ve come here to try to write of you in 1966 because I think it is important to expand remembrances of the pastimes of the saktyavesa-avatara and the Lord.  We want to remember you.  If you desire, please make this not just my own feeble memory or commentary, but make it wonderful.  And in any case, please accept my offering.”  I hope Prabhupada will be pleased, but I think that his pleasure will come when he sees me working as best I can.  Then Krishna may think, “Just see how much this devotee wants to remember My pure devotee, Srila Prabhupada.”  Also, if I can work at it nicely, Srila Prabhupada will enjoy being reminded again of his early days.  The question is, how much should I beg?  One begs according to his particular mood or rasa.  I should not be passive in the name of humility, or refrain from asking the Lord at every step for His mercy.  Prabhupada has advised us to do this: “Please help me.  I can’t write.  It’s not possible.”  With every line we should think, “Please, I can’t remember Prabhupada.  It’s not possible.  Please help me to do it.”