“Bradley Stinkbrain, 73, is in the prime of his life. . . and having the time of his life. Now, you can too! Thanks to the amazing, new “anti-aging” discoveries, enclosed. . .”
Not long ago, someone in our community passed along to me a magazine pitch she’d received in the mail. On the front of the oversize envelope, a headline announced—blue type on a bright green background—”Old Age Isn’t Natural.”
And there, bursting with good health, shone Living Proof, our man Bradley, strong, relaxed, his smile radiant, his hair a rich grey crown, his tan body popping out of its little red swimsuit, studio lights shining off well-oiled 73-year-old muscles a man could envy at thirty.
And across the envelope, poised lightly, brightly, sprightly on a chair, sat Penny Pinkchip, 52, slim, young, smiling, and healthy, ready at any moment for a round of tennis, a dip in the pool, an afternoon of canoeing, a quick jog around the park. . .
Was I going to break open the envelope for my FREE Guide to 101 Ways to Reversing the Aging Process?
Of course! And inside, there were Bradley and Penny and their friends—strong, vibrant, energetic people, people in track shoes and T-shirts and swimsuits and leotards, people in their fifties and sixties, biking, hiking, and LIVING life to its FULLEST.
“I thought 50 would be depressing,” says Penny. “But I’ve never felt better! ‘Old age’ is a myth.”
And that’s the myth the magazine they’re pitching will dispell—with Energy Remedies. . . Nutrition Remedies. . . Stress Remedies. . . Fitness Remedies. . . Health Remedies. . . Weight Remedies. . . Pain Remedies. . . Age Remedies. . .
“ALL those symptoms and problems can be prevented or remedied. EASILY. This is MY life—and I plan to live it to the FULLEST!”
Well, bully for you.
But we think it’s all foolishness and your magazine’s full of beans.
Old age is for real. It’s as real and natural and sad and depressing as—should we say it in the face of all those smiling, healthy, strong, relaxed, vibrant young people in their fifties and sixties? As real as death.
We saw it in New Orleans on a bumper sticker: Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
Old age is a gift, all right: it’s your warning that the next thing to hit you will be death. And what are you going to do about death, Bradley—wish it away?
Forget the Weight Remedy, Stress Remedy, Age Remedy, Pain Remedy, What you need, fella, is some Illusion Remedy.
Better than trying to make a picnic out of old age is to face what it is—a drag. A collosal, irreversible, incurable drag. And so is disease. And death.
And that’s a powerful reason to get serious and try to understand what these Cosmic Drags are all about. We should ask ourselves, “Why do I have to get old? Why diseased? Why die?”
These are the real issues in life, and these are the questions to which an intelligent person must address himself. If we fail to ask ourselves these questions, we may think we’re living life to the fullest, but our brains are running sadly close to empty.